I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Classic Jokes
My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was a kid I was so ugly my mother had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother was so fat... she would walk past our TV and I would miss three episodes of Little House on the Prairie!
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide.'
Once when I was a kid, I was playing hide and seek. They found me, but they left me there.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.
What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank, and they caught him stealing pens.
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!
Last week, I told my kid, 'Be honest. Always be honest.' He said, 'All right. I'm not your kid.'
My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.
She was old too. When she went to school they didn't have history.
When I was a kid, I got no respect. When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note, they said, 'We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again.'