Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mother had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother was so fat... she would walk past our TV and I would miss three episodes of Little House on the Prairie!

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide.'

Once when I was a kid, I was playing hide and seek. They found me, but they left me there.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.

What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank, and they caught him stealing pens.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!

Last week, I told my kid, 'Be honest. Always be honest.' He said, 'All right. I'm not your kid.'

My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.

She was old too. When she went to school they didn't have history.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'

I had a lot of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, 'Basement?'

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I walked into a bar and said to the bartender, 'I want a drink.' He said, 'So do I, looking at you.'

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

What a doctor I've got—he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. The last time I went to see him he said, 'Bend over and say cheese'.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I went to a doctor. I told him I was feeling a little rundown. He said, 'Why don't you put some rouge on your cheeks?'

I left my body to science... and science is contesting the will.

I told my psychiatrist, 'I'm having suicidal tendencies.' He said, 'From now on, pay in advance.'

I tell ya, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I asked him, 'How long do I have to live?' He said, 'Ten.' I said, 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?' He said, 'Nine... Eight... Seven...'

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through.'

I tell ya, I'm getting old. The other day a pretty girl smiled at me... and I didn't even have any money in my hand.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy.'

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife's a bad cook, horrible cook. If I leave dental floss in the kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves.

I asked a guy, 'Hey buddy, who told you you could sleep around with my wife?' He said 'Everyone.'

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I met a sexy girl in a restaurant making hamburgers. She told me she can make a Big Boy in 3 minutes and a boy big in 2 minutes!

Got into a cab and told him to take me a place I can get some action. He took me to my house.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter said, 'What will you have?' I said, 'I'll have the steak.' He said, 'What about the vegetable?' I said, 'She'll have the steak too.'

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Last week I told my wife, 'If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.' She said, 'If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.'

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the license plate.'

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in and bought a screen door.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after we eat.

My wife went to the beauty parlor and got a mud pack. For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

The other night my wife said she wanted to go somewhere she hadn't been in a long time. I said, 'How about the kitchen?'

With my wife, I get no respect. We bought a waterbed, and she called it the Dead Sea.

My wife was complaining about the house. She said, 'I want to live somewhere where it's expensive.' So I moved her to a gas station.

My wife is a very poor driver. Last week she got a ticket for making a U-turn in the Lincoln Tunnel.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait til it gets warmer.'

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

A hooker propositioned me. She said she'd do anything for $50. I said, 'Paint my house.'

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself right now.'

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, 'Do you have any toys for a fat, ugly kid?' He handed me a piece of clay.

One time I went to a hotel, I told the bellhop, 'Handle my bag carefully, it's got my whole wardrobe in it.' He said, 'What is it, a wallet?'

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I tell ya I get no respect. On the night I died they brought me and a guy who got mauled to death by a bear to the same funeral home. They gave ME the closed casket.

My fan club broke up. The guy died.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said: 'There goes the neighborhood!'

I joined a dating service. They sent me my own picture.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, 'Where'd you get the pig?' Guy says, 'This is a duck.' Bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note, they said, 'We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again.'

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek — she bent over!

I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says, 'Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?'

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark...'