Classic Jokes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

What a doctor I've got—he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. The last time I went to see him he said, 'Bend over and say cheese'.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I went to a doctor. I told him I was feeling a little rundown. He said, 'Why don't you put some rouge on your cheeks?'

I left my body to science... and science is contesting the will.

I told my psychiatrist, 'I'm having suicidal tendencies.' He said, 'From now on, pay in advance.'

I tell ya, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I asked him, 'How long do I have to live?' He said, 'Ten.' I said, 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?' He said, 'Nine... Eight... Seven...'

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through.'

I tell ya, I'm getting old. The other day a pretty girl smiled at me... and I didn't even have any money in my hand.