Classic Jokes

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'

I had a lot of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, 'Basement?'

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I walked into a bar and said to the bartender, 'I want a drink.' He said, 'So do I, looking at you.'

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.