Classic Jokes

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy.'

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife's a bad cook, horrible cook. If I leave dental floss in the kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves.

I asked a guy, 'Hey buddy, who told you you could sleep around with my wife?' He said 'Everyone.'

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I met a sexy girl in a restaurant making hamburgers. She told me she can make a Big Boy in 3 minutes and a boy big in 2 minutes!

Got into a cab and told him to take me a place I can get some action. He took me to my house.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter said, 'What will you have?' I said, 'I'll have the steak.' He said, 'What about the vegetable?' I said, 'She'll have the steak too.'

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Last week I told my wife, 'If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.' She said, 'If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.'

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the license plate.'

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in and bought a screen door.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after we eat.

My wife went to the beauty parlor and got a mud pack. For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

The other night my wife said she wanted to go somewhere she hadn't been in a long time. I said, 'How about the kitchen?'

With my wife, I get no respect. We bought a waterbed, and she called it the Dead Sea.

My wife was complaining about the house. She said, 'I want to live somewhere where it's expensive.' So I moved her to a gas station.

My wife is a very poor driver. Last week she got a ticket for making a U-turn in the Lincoln Tunnel.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait til it gets warmer.'

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

A hooker propositioned me. She said she'd do anything for $50. I said, 'Paint my house.'

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself right now.'

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, 'Do you have any toys for a fat, ugly kid?' He handed me a piece of clay.

One time I went to a hotel, I told the bellhop, 'Handle my bag carefully, it's got my whole wardrobe in it.' He said, 'What is it, a wallet?'

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek — she bent over!

I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.