Gilbert Gottfried

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

R2D2 has gotten more work since "Star Wars" than Carrie Fisher.

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

Nothing can help my comedy.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Universal Pictures presents the Georgie Jessel Story. Ted Bessell is Georgie Jessel. Ted Bessell leads an all-star cast of Ted Bessell, Joey Bishop, Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell and Joe Besser. Besser, Bissell, Bissett, Bishop and Bessell. The New York Times says, 'Bessell is Jessel". The Jewish Press says, 'We like Bessell, but only a bissel."

If you're anything like me, I feel sorry for your friends and family.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.

With (Katrina), it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know."

Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn't see that coming?"

How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?

An Old Jew is taking a walk and sees a lamp, he picks up the lamp and rubs it, a genie pops out The genie says "I'll grant you one wish", The old jew reaches into his pocket and takes out a crumpled map and says "You see this area, this is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries.. can you do something" And the genie goes "Even with my power I can't do anything about that area.. can i grant you another wish" So he says "I've been married for 40 years and my wife has never given me a blowjob, could you get her to do that for me, just once". The genie goes "Can I look at that map again?"

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'

I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and her skin is pale, cheeks sunken. She asks her husband to please, fuck her in the ass. The husband is surprised at her request and asks her if she is sure. With the same weak voice she again asks him to fuck her in the ass. The man is unsure but wants to do as his wife asks. He gets up and closes the door and moves to the bed. He goes to his wife and starts fucking her in the ass. As he is fucking her she starts moaning loudly. The color is returning to her cheeks. She is getting louder and louder screaming out YES! Then suddenly the man gets off her, burying his face in his hands crying. The woman goes to him and tells him she feels amazing and asks what was wrong? The man sobbing, lifts his head and tells her "I could have saved my father."

What's the worst part about eating out your grandmother?

Hitting your head against the top of the coffin!

A drunken farmer walks into his house holding a sheep. He goes into his bedroom to find his wife Rosanne. The farmer says 'Look! This is the pig I've been fucking!' Rosanne says 'You idiot! That's not a pig that's a sheep!" The farmer says 'Shut the fuck up I was talking to the sheep!'