Neil Hamburger

Why are M&M's full of chocolate?

Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit.

Why did ET the Extra Terrestrial love Reese's pizzas so much?

Well because they have the same flavour that cum does on his own planet.

How do you keep your pet dog from licking his balls?

Coat them in Domino's pizza sauce.

Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for their complacency at letting the Holocaust happen.

Why do Pringles employees get laid so often?

Because they can.

Why does Arby's put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches?

It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.

How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?

Unwrap it.

Why did Ronald McDonald have sex with his sister?

His judgment was impaired from all those years of eating junk food.

Why does KFC come in a bucket?

So you have something to throw up into afterwards.

Why did the Sanders girls, Colonel Sanders' daughters, absolutely refuse to eat KFC's extra crispy fried chicken?

Well because it brought back too many bad memories of their late father's foreskin.

Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?

Because he was ashamed of them.

And why, why did, on his deathbed, why did Colonel Sanders on his deathbed reveal the secret of his eleven herbs and spices to Academy Award-nominated actress Sally Fields?

Well, because he was desperate for a handjob... Would that have been funnier if we had a black gospel choir behind me?

Why didn't Santa Claus give anything for Christmas to Osama Bin Laden last year?

Because he blew up the World Trade Center. No Sony Playstation 2 for you, Osama.

What do Osama Bin Laden and Chevy Chase have in common?

Neither one has released a new film in the last year.

What did the godfather of soul, the godfather of soul Gerald Ford have in common with disgraced vocalist James Brown and activist Saddam Hussein?

Well, all three men were very well hung.

Why did Angelina Jolie, sexual actress Angeline Jolie, and sensual actor Brad Pitt, choose to have their baby in a primitive medical facility in Namibia, a third-world hellhole?

Well, simply to have a scapegoat when the baby was born retarded... Did you get that on film asshole, huh? Sick creeps.

Why did Vice-President Dick Cheney shoot Texas attorney Harry Whittington.

Well, it was in retaliation for the Biggie Smalls murder... Hey they loved that joke in Dubai, I'm telling you.

Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?

Because she was horny. Hey, don't blame me. I stole that joke from Kris Kristofferson.

What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?

Well, he raped her.

Why did Robert Redford stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?

Lots of spaghetti sauce fans in the crowd tonight. Good to see. Sauce enthusiast. For those... to repeat... for those whose ears are encrusted with venereal disease: Why did Paul Newman, no Robert Redford right, stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?

Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his cock in a competitor's product?

[Alternative version: Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce? Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his dick in a competitor's product?]

Why did God send Terri Schiavo to hell?

For the sin of sloth.

Why did God create herpes?

So Robin Williams could give something to his female fans that they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

Did you guys hear the one about the paparazzi with the heart of gold?

He stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying in her car.

Why did the United States government hire a former hotdog vendor to pull the switch that executed Timothy McVeigh?

Well, they thought he might relish the job.

Did you read that Timothy McVeigh killed a million more people the night before he was executed, huh? Yeah. He ejaculated onto the floor of his cell... [When no one laughs:] Could this be a generation gap.

All right, for his final meal, why did Timothy McVeigh request a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a can of Pringles potato chips, a Nestle chocolate bar, and a Mountain Dew?

Because he had endorsement deals with all those companies... Sorry about that one.

Why did God create the Paris Hilton sex video tape?

Well, so that the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to.

[Alternative version: Why did Paris Hilton make her infamous sex video? So the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to.]

Hey is it just me, is it just me, or is George Bush the worst president in the history of the United States, huh. Am I right? Which makes it all the harder to understand why his son, George W, is the best president we've had in the United States.

[Alternative version: But these are difficult times, and it helps to have a sense of humour, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen, with some of the things we've been going through in this country. I gotta tell you, I'm sure a few of you will agree, George Bush is the worst president this country has ever had, huh? Which is why it's so hard for me to understand why his son, George W Bush, has turned out to be the best president this country's ever had.]

But I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly thank the people of Italy for their help with the war effort. As you may have read in the newspaper today, the Italians were involved, they sent over Pavarotti into Iraq to eat all the Iraqis' spaghetti in an attempt to demoralize them... [When people groan:] Hey, come on, I have cancer.

Well I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Phoenix Greyhound Park for hosting this annual event, because this is a great annual event, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen. It's just like Woodstock '99, but without all the rapes. And this is being filmed tonight for a DVD, although we will be editing that line from the broadcast. Been saddled with some substandard material here tonight, sorry about that.

Hey what do you call it folks, friends, what do you call it when decrepit old dogs regurgitate garbage just before dying -- what's the medical term for that?

The Rolling Stones in concert.

Why did Metallica cut their hair?

Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

Why did God give Smashmouth three top ten singles?

Well, it was a clerical error -- he meant to give them all AIDS.

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Well because he was tired of Haulin' Oats.

Why did Sir Mick Jagger shove a carrot up his daughter's ass?

He mistook her for a fan.

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a sabretooth tiger?

I don't know, but you'd better keep it away from your ass.

But you know the thing with this war that really confused me was why the United Kingdom was involved at all. I don't think we needed those guys -- do you? I mean, their military is in terrible shape. Look who they've got. They've got Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger, I mean these are hardly the knights of the round table... Okay. Well, moving right along.

Why did Jim Morrison, the dynamic lead singer of The Doors, die in a bathtub?

Well, he overexerted himself trying to clean the grime off of his balls.

Why did God give Motley Crue such abnormally large penises?

So that they'd be better equipped at dealing with the pain of life.

Why does Britney Spears sell so many millions of albums?

Because the public is horny and depressed.

How about Britney Spears' tits. Why didn't we just drop those on Iraq, huh. Talk about your biological warfare. I guess in her case it could more accurately be termed chemical warfare.

What do you call the creatures who are growing in the pile of potato chip wrappers and discarded g-strings behind Britney Spears' house?

Her children.

Why did Kevin Federline spray Britney Spears' caesarean section with Lysol disinfectant?

So it would be safe for fucking.

What do you call a senior citizen who can't refrain from exposing their genitalia in public?

Madonna.

Why did Madonna feed her infant baby Alpo dog food?

Well, she had no choice. That's just what came out of her breasts... These drug addicts like it, huh, why can't the rest of you.

[Alternative version: Why did Madonna feed her infant baby dog food? Well, she had no choice - that's just what came out of her breasts.]

Reach into my bag of tricks here, or more accurately my bag of shit. Why did Madonna wear a hat on the cover of her last two albums?

To try and cover up her bald spot.

What does British filmmaker Guy Richie have in common with Cheetos?

They both come in a plastic bag.

Times are tough for Michael Jackson. Over at Neverland, he recently had to shut down the juvenile VD clinic.

Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds?

Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his infant son over the balcony of his hotel room?

He was punishing him for refusing to finish his plate of sperm.

Why did Michael Jackson put chocolate sauce on his hot dog?

So his children would eat it.

In keeping with the tradition he's had with his past albums of titling them after his various personality traits -- you know -- "bad", "dangerous", "off the wall" -- he's titling the first of these two new albums, to be released in July -- he's titling this first album "gay", and that'll be followed up in November with the second album, you know, "mentally ill".

What do you call five fingers that are grasping a small boy's penis?

The Jackson Five.

How many Red Hot Chilli Peppers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well it depends on how recently they've shot up... [When no one laughs:] Well, we've got a few junkies here tonight, huh. Call the police, you people make me gag. Clean up your act, you're a disgrace to this clean city.

Did you guys hear, this was in the news, did you hear that Anthony Kiedis, the Grammy Award-winning composer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, finally joined the mile high club.

Yeah, he raped a woman in Denver.

Did you guys know that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are the United States' foremost supporters of the mentally disabled.

That's right. For the past 20 years, without any public fanfare, at their own expense, they have been hiring these poor souls, the mentally disabled, hiring them to design their tattoos.

What is the only thing worse than a new album by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?

9/11.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers cross the road?

Well because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

Why are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?

Well because the band has had so many hits.

What do the Red Hot Chilli Peppers have in common with George W Bush?

Well both of them like to shoot up everything in sight.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Harriet Taubman?

Well of course the great Harriet Taubman was a heroine to the slaves, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are slaves to the heroin.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers go under the bridge?

Because there was a plate of shit there they wanted to jack off into.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chilli Peppers with an octopus?

[Something] with eight arms to shoot up into.

What did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not all happy with the band's latest tracks?

Well, they went out and bought long suede shirts.

All right, here's a crowd pleaser. Why did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper all retire from the music industry in 1959?

Well, because their vocal cords were all damaged in an accident.

How many Backstreet Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs -- they're too busy screwing their audience.

Hey, here's one for you gang. What was Elvis Presley's worst ever release?

Well, the ejaculation containing Lisa Marie.

Why does Eric Clapton close his eyes during all of his guitar solos?

Well, because his audience is so ugly. That was in the news.

Why did Al-Qaeda burn in a public town square in Kabul, Afghanistan, over 10,000 copies of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album?

Well, because it's a horrible album.

[Alternative version: Why did Al-Qaeda under the direction of Mr. Osama Bin Laden burn in a public town square in Kabul, Afghanistan over 10,000 copies of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon album? Cuz it's a terrible album.]

What was the name of the historical event at which hundreds of thousands of children were brutalized by a fascist dictatorship and then left out in the sun to die?

The Vans Warped Tour.

Why did NASA send a titanium copy of the latest Linkin Park album to every planet in our solar system?

Well, to kill off any interest that the aliens may have had in invading earth.

Why did two teenage boys crawl down into the bottom of a portable chemical toilet, down into the holding tank, and wait there for 15 hours?

[Alternative version: why did two teenage boys spend 15 hours in a holding tank of the chemical toilet?]

Well, because they wanted to meet Aerosmith.

What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?

Well, if you get pricked with a porcupine's needle, you're not likely to get AIDS.

What do you get when you cross the latest album by Courtney Love with a boomerang?

A shitty album you can't get rid of.

What do you call it when a medical physician turns off the life-support system on an elderly man who has been officially classified as an imbecile?

Eric Clapton Unplugged.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American Flag?

It would be wrong to urinate on the American Flag

What does Sir Paul McCartney's wife, Heather Mills, have in common with The Dead Kennedys musical group?

Well, both of them only have three original members.

Why did Bilbo Baggins cross the road?

To depress those of us who don't find those sorts of characters at all amusing.