Classic Jokes

Why are M&M's full of chocolate?

Because it would be illegal to fill them full of shit.

Why did ET the Extra Terrestrial love Reese's pizzas so much?

Well because they have the same flavour that cum does on his own planet.

How do you keep your pet dog from licking his balls?

Coat them in Domino's pizza sauce.

Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for their complacency at letting the Holocaust happen.

Why do Pringles employees get laid so often?

Because they can.

Why does Arby's put so much mayonnaise on their sandwiches?

It makes it easier to flush them down the toilet.

How do you keep flies from landing on your Big Mac?

Unwrap it.

Why did Ronald McDonald have sex with his sister?

His judgment was impaired from all those years of eating junk food.

Why does KFC come in a bucket?

So you have something to throw up into afterwards.

Why did the Sanders girls, Colonel Sanders' daughters, absolutely refuse to eat KFC's extra crispy fried chicken?

Well because it brought back too many bad memories of their late father's foreskin.

Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret?

Because he was ashamed of them.

And why, why did, on his deathbed, why did Colonel Sanders on his deathbed reveal the secret of his eleven herbs and spices to Academy Award-nominated actress Sally Fields?

Well, because he was desperate for a handjob... Would that have been funnier if we had a black gospel choir behind me?

Why didn't Santa Claus give anything for Christmas to Osama Bin Laden last year?

Because he blew up the World Trade Center. No Sony Playstation 2 for you, Osama.

What do Osama Bin Laden and Chevy Chase have in common?

Neither one has released a new film in the last year.

What did the godfather of soul, the godfather of soul Gerald Ford have in common with disgraced vocalist James Brown and activist Saddam Hussein?

Well, all three men were very well hung.

Why did Angelina Jolie, sexual actress Angeline Jolie, and sensual actor Brad Pitt, choose to have their baby in a primitive medical facility in Namibia, a third-world hellhole?

Well, simply to have a scapegoat when the baby was born retarded... Did you get that on film asshole, huh? Sick creeps.

Why did Vice-President Dick Cheney shoot Texas attorney Harry Whittington.

Well, it was in retaliation for the Biggie Smalls murder... Hey they loved that joke in Dubai, I'm telling you.

Why did Julia Roberts rub shit on her vagina?

Because she was horny. Hey, don't blame me. I stole that joke from Kris Kristofferson.

What did Santa Claus give Paris Hilton for Christmas?

Well, he raped her.

Why did Robert Redford stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?

Lots of spaghetti sauce fans in the crowd tonight. Good to see. Sauce enthusiast. For those... to repeat... for those whose ears are encrusted with venereal disease: Why did Paul Newman, no Robert Redford right, stick his cock in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce?

Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his cock in a competitor's product?

[Alternative version: Why did Robert Redford stick his dick in a jar of Paul Newman's spaghetti sauce? Well, the two men have been friends for over 40 years, do you think he's gonna stick his dick in a competitor's product?]

Why did God send Terri Schiavo to hell?

For the sin of sloth.

Why did God create herpes?

So Robin Williams could give something to his female fans that they couldn't just turn around and sell on eBay.

Did you guys hear the one about the paparazzi with the heart of gold?

He stole it from Princess Diana as she lay dying in her car.

Why did the United States government hire a former hotdog vendor to pull the switch that executed Timothy McVeigh?

Well, they thought he might relish the job.

Did you read that Timothy McVeigh killed a million more people the night before he was executed, huh? Yeah. He ejaculated onto the floor of his cell... [When no one laughs:] Could this be a generation gap.

All right, for his final meal, why did Timothy McVeigh request a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, a can of Pringles potato chips, a Nestle chocolate bar, and a Mountain Dew?

Because he had endorsement deals with all those companies... Sorry about that one.

Why did God create the Paris Hilton sex video tape?

Well, so that the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to.

[Alternative version: Why did Paris Hilton make her infamous sex video? So the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to.]

Hey is it just me, is it just me, or is George Bush the worst president in the history of the United States, huh. Am I right? Which makes it all the harder to understand why his son, George W, is the best president we've had in the United States.

[Alternative version: But these are difficult times, and it helps to have a sense of humour, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen, with some of the things we've been going through in this country. I gotta tell you, I'm sure a few of you will agree, George Bush is the worst president this country has ever had, huh? Which is why it's so hard for me to understand why his son, George W Bush, has turned out to be the best president this country's ever had.]

But I'd like to take this opportunity to publicly thank the people of Italy for their help with the war effort. As you may have read in the newspaper today, the Italians were involved, they sent over Pavarotti into Iraq to eat all the Iraqis' spaghetti in an attempt to demoralize them... [When people groan:] Hey, come on, I have cancer.

Well I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Phoenix Greyhound Park for hosting this annual event, because this is a great annual event, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen. It's just like Woodstock '99, but without all the rapes. And this is being filmed tonight for a DVD, although we will be editing that line from the broadcast. Been saddled with some substandard material here tonight, sorry about that.

Hey what do you call it folks, friends, what do you call it when decrepit old dogs regurgitate garbage just before dying -- what's the medical term for that?

The Rolling Stones in concert.

Why did Metallica cut their hair?

Their hairdresser said it was the only way to get all that matted cum out of it.

Why did God give Smashmouth three top ten singles?

Well, it was a clerical error -- he meant to give them all AIDS.

Why did the farmer start a punk rock band?

Well because he was tired of Haulin' Oats.

Why did Sir Mick Jagger shove a carrot up his daughter's ass?

He mistook her for a fan.

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a sabretooth tiger?

I don't know, but you'd better keep it away from your ass.

But you know the thing with this war that really confused me was why the United Kingdom was involved at all. I don't think we needed those guys -- do you? I mean, their military is in terrible shape. Look who they've got. They've got Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Sir Mick Jagger, I mean these are hardly the knights of the round table... Okay. Well, moving right along.

Why did Jim Morrison, the dynamic lead singer of The Doors, die in a bathtub?

Well, he overexerted himself trying to clean the grime off of his balls.

Why did God give Motley Crue such abnormally large penises?

So that they'd be better equipped at dealing with the pain of life.

Why does Britney Spears sell so many millions of albums?

Because the public is horny and depressed.

How about Britney Spears' tits. Why didn't we just drop those on Iraq, huh. Talk about your biological warfare. I guess in her case it could more accurately be termed chemical warfare.

What do you call the creatures who are growing in the pile of potato chip wrappers and discarded g-strings behind Britney Spears' house?

Her children.

Why did Kevin Federline spray Britney Spears' caesarean section with Lysol disinfectant?

So it would be safe for fucking.

What do you call a senior citizen who can't refrain from exposing their genitalia in public?

Madonna.

Why did Madonna feed her infant baby Alpo dog food?

Well, she had no choice. That's just what came out of her breasts... These drug addicts like it, huh, why can't the rest of you.

[Alternative version: Why did Madonna feed her infant baby dog food? Well, she had no choice - that's just what came out of her breasts.]

Reach into my bag of tricks here, or more accurately my bag of shit. Why did Madonna wear a hat on the cover of her last two albums?

To try and cover up her bald spot.

What does British filmmaker Guy Richie have in common with Cheetos?

They both come in a plastic bag.

Times are tough for Michael Jackson. Over at Neverland, he recently had to shut down the juvenile VD clinic.

Why did Michael Jackson turn down $10,000,000 to advertise for McDonalds?

Because he doesn't find obese children at all sexually appealing.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his infant son over the balcony of his hotel room?

He was punishing him for refusing to finish his plate of sperm.

Why did Michael Jackson put chocolate sauce on his hot dog?

So his children would eat it.

In keeping with the tradition he's had with his past albums of titling them after his various personality traits -- you know -- "bad", "dangerous", "off the wall" -- he's titling the first of these two new albums, to be released in July -- he's titling this first album "gay", and that'll be followed up in November with the second album, you know, "mentally ill".

What do you call five fingers that are grasping a small boy's penis?

The Jackson Five.

How many Red Hot Chilli Peppers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well it depends on how recently they've shot up... [When no one laughs:] Well, we've got a few junkies here tonight, huh. Call the police, you people make me gag. Clean up your act, you're a disgrace to this clean city.

Did you guys hear, this was in the news, did you hear that Anthony Kiedis, the Grammy Award-winning composer of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, finally joined the mile high club.

Yeah, he raped a woman in Denver.

Did you guys know that the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are the United States' foremost supporters of the mentally disabled.

That's right. For the past 20 years, without any public fanfare, at their own expense, they have been hiring these poor souls, the mentally disabled, hiring them to design their tattoos.

What is the only thing worse than a new album by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?

9/11.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers cross the road?

Well because they were running away from the rehab clinic.

Why are the Red Hot Chilli Peppers' veins in danger of collapsing?

Well because the band has had so many hits.

What do the Red Hot Chilli Peppers have in common with George W Bush?

Well both of them like to shoot up everything in sight.

What's the difference between the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Harriet Taubman?

Well of course the great Harriet Taubman was a heroine to the slaves, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers are slaves to the heroin.

Why did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers go under the bridge?

Because there was a plate of shit there they wanted to jack off into.

What do you get when you cross the Red Hot Chilli Peppers with an octopus?

[Something] with eight arms to shoot up into.

What did the Red Hot Chilli Peppers do when their management informed them that they were not all happy with the band's latest tracks?

Well, they went out and bought long suede shirts.

All right, here's a crowd pleaser. Why did Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the Big Bopper all retire from the music industry in 1959?

Well, because their vocal cords were all damaged in an accident.

How many Backstreet Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They don't screw in light bulbs -- they're too busy screwing their audience.

Hey, here's one for you gang. What was Elvis Presley's worst ever release?

Well, the ejaculation containing Lisa Marie.

Why does Eric Clapton close his eyes during all of his guitar solos?

Well, because his audience is so ugly. That was in the news.

Why did Al-Qaeda burn in a public town square in Kabul, Afghanistan, over 10,000 copies of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album?

Well, because it's a horrible album.

[Alternative version: Why did Al-Qaeda under the direction of Mr. Osama Bin Laden burn in a public town square in Kabul, Afghanistan over 10,000 copies of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon album? Cuz it's a terrible album.]

What was the name of the historical event at which hundreds of thousands of children were brutalized by a fascist dictatorship and then left out in the sun to die?

The Vans Warped Tour.

Why did NASA send a titanium copy of the latest Linkin Park album to every planet in our solar system?

Well, to kill off any interest that the aliens may have had in invading earth.

Why did two teenage boys crawl down into the bottom of a portable chemical toilet, down into the holding tank, and wait there for 15 hours?

[Alternative version: why did two teenage boys spend 15 hours in a holding tank of the chemical toilet?]

Well, because they wanted to meet Aerosmith.

What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?

Well, if you get pricked with a porcupine's needle, you're not likely to get AIDS.

What do you get when you cross the latest album by Courtney Love with a boomerang?

A shitty album you can't get rid of.

What do you call it when a medical physician turns off the life-support system on an elderly man who has been officially classified as an imbecile?

Eric Clapton Unplugged.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American Flag?

It would be wrong to urinate on the American Flag

What does Sir Paul McCartney's wife, Heather Mills, have in common with The Dead Kennedys musical group?

Well, both of them only have three original members.

Why did Bilbo Baggins cross the road?

To depress those of us who don't find those sorts of characters at all amusing.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.

At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

R2D2 has gotten more work since "Star Wars" than Carrie Fisher.

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.

I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.

I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

I understand being less sexy than Osama bin Laden, but not less sexy than Carrot Top. That, I find offensive.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.

If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.

One thing I can take credit for, along with the rest of show business, is when the red ribbons were out, we cured AIDS. Any advancements that came towards fighting AIDS were not done by scientists or doctors - it was people with little ribbons on their lapels.

My Bubbie lived to 104, which is probably a little too old to consider a ripe old age, because she had already started to turn. I still say she died young.

Unfortunately, I've never been mistaken as Johnny Depp.

I found out about Jonathan Winters death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashians divorce before she did.

I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.

If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.

I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.

I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.

I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

Nothing can help my comedy.

I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.

Universal Pictures presents the Georgie Jessel Story. Ted Bessell is Georgie Jessel. Ted Bessell leads an all-star cast of Ted Bessell, Joey Bishop, Jacqueline Bisset, Whit Bissell and Joe Besser. Besser, Bissell, Bissett, Bishop and Bessell. The New York Times says, 'Bessell is Jessel". The Jewish Press says, 'We like Bessell, but only a bissel."

If you're anything like me, I feel sorry for your friends and family.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.

With (Katrina), it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.

No, generally I think influence is used as a nice word for plagiarism.

The pressure to being a comedian is being funny, but I've given that up, so there is no pressure whatsoever.

Sometimes I'd sit and talk to Nostradamus and he'd just sit there go, "I know. I know."

Once I went to movies with Nostradamus. I said, "Boy, what did you think of that ending?" He goes, "What? You didn't see that coming?"

How exactly do they prove that you've been masturbating? Do they dust for prints?

An Old Jew is taking a walk and sees a lamp, he picks up the lamp and rubs it, a genie pops out The genie says "I'll grant you one wish", The old jew reaches into his pocket and takes out a crumpled map and says "You see this area, this is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but war and bloodshed here for centuries.. can you do something" And the genie goes "Even with my power I can't do anything about that area.. can i grant you another wish" So he says "I've been married for 40 years and my wife has never given me a blowjob, could you get her to do that for me, just once". The genie goes "Can I look at that map again?"

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he didn't bother having me killed.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker? A fucking know-it-all.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'

I've always felt sorry for Jesus 'cause you know no matter what he ever did, he could never live up to his father.

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and her skin is pale, cheeks sunken. She asks her husband to please, fuck her in the ass. The husband is surprised at her request and asks her if she is sure. With the same weak voice she again asks him to fuck her in the ass. The man is unsure but wants to do as his wife asks. He gets up and closes the door and moves to the bed. He goes to his wife and starts fucking her in the ass. As he is fucking her she starts moaning loudly. The color is returning to her cheeks. She is getting louder and louder screaming out YES! Then suddenly the man gets off her, burying his face in his hands crying. The woman goes to him and tells him she feels amazing and asks what was wrong? The man sobbing, lifts his head and tells her "I could have saved my father."

What's the worst part about eating out your grandmother?

Hitting your head against the top of the coffin!

A drunken farmer walks into his house holding a sheep. He goes into his bedroom to find his wife Rosanne. The farmer says 'Look! This is the pig I've been fucking!' Rosanne says 'You idiot! That's not a pig that's a sheep!" The farmer says 'Shut the fuck up I was talking to the sheep!'

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was a kid I was so ugly my mother had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother was so fat... she would walk past our TV and I would miss three episodes of Little House on the Prairie!

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide.'

Once when I was a kid, I was playing hide and seek. They found me, but they left me there.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.

What a childhood I had. Why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank, and they caught him stealing pens.

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the West!

Last week, I told my kid, 'Be honest. Always be honest.' He said, 'All right. I'm not your kid.'

My cousin's gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.

She was old too. When she went to school they didn't have history.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'Okay, you're ugly too.'

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'

I had a lot of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, 'Basement?'

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I walked into a bar and said to the bartender, 'I want a drink.' He said, 'So do I, looking at you.'

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

What a doctor I've got—he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My proctologist used to be a photographer. The last time I went to see him he said, 'Bend over and say cheese'.

I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I went to a doctor. I told him I was feeling a little rundown. He said, 'Why don't you put some rouge on your cheeks?'

I left my body to science... and science is contesting the will.

I told my psychiatrist, 'I'm having suicidal tendencies.' He said, 'From now on, pay in advance.'

I tell ya, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I asked him, 'How long do I have to live?' He said, 'Ten.' I said, 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?' He said, 'Nine... Eight... Seven...'

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through.'

I tell ya, I'm getting old. The other day a pretty girl smiled at me... and I didn't even have any money in my hand.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy.'

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife's a bad cook, horrible cook. If I leave dental floss in the kitchen the cockroaches hang themselves.

I asked a guy, 'Hey buddy, who told you you could sleep around with my wife?' He said 'Everyone.'

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I met a sexy girl in a restaurant making hamburgers. She told me she can make a Big Boy in 3 minutes and a boy big in 2 minutes!

Got into a cab and told him to take me a place I can get some action. He took me to my house.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter said, 'What will you have?' I said, 'I'll have the steak.' He said, 'What about the vegetable?' I said, 'She'll have the steak too.'

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

Last week I told my wife, 'If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef.' She said, 'If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffeur.'

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, 'Did you see the guy that did it?' She said, 'No, but I got the license plate.'

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the flies chipped in and bought a screen door.

My wife's cooking is so bad, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after we eat.

My wife went to the beauty parlor and got a mud pack. For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

The other night my wife said she wanted to go somewhere she hadn't been in a long time. I said, 'How about the kitchen?'

With my wife, I get no respect. We bought a waterbed, and she called it the Dead Sea.

My wife was complaining about the house. She said, 'I want to live somewhere where it's expensive.' So I moved her to a gas station.

My wife is a very poor driver. Last week she got a ticket for making a U-turn in the Lincoln Tunnel.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, 'Wait til it gets warmer.'

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

A hooker propositioned me. She said she'd do anything for $50. I said, 'Paint my house.'

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself right now.'

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, 'Do you have any toys for a fat, ugly kid?' He handed me a piece of clay.

One time I went to a hotel, I told the bellhop, 'Handle my bag carefully, it's got my whole wardrobe in it.' He said, 'What is it, a wallet?'

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn't met me yet.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I tell ya I get no respect. On the night I died they brought me and a guy who got mauled to death by a bear to the same funeral home. They gave ME the closed casket.

My fan club broke up. The guy died.

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said: 'There goes the neighborhood!'

I joined a dating service. They sent me my own picture.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, 'Where'd you get the pig?' Guy says, 'This is a duck.' Bartender says, 'I was talking to the duck.'

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note, they said, 'We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again.'

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek — she bent over!

I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me.' He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says, 'Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?'

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, 'On your mark...'